I was going through my drafts and found this piece I wrote the day I found I was pregnant. It sat in my drafts folder because I wanted to wait until we were “good to go” before I published it. Well, we know what happened.
Four months after my miscarriage, I still ache all over and yearn for the days when another heartbeat drummed inside me. Some days are better than the others, but gone are the uncontrollable break downs.
Reading these words cripple my heart and I mourn the dreams I had for our little person. Despite the brief time our baby’s heart beat, my life has been forever changed.
I’m pregnant. This all feels very surreal. We are going to have baby number 2. (God willing.)
I need to purge these thoughts because seeing that faint second line this morning has given me slight anxiety. After months of failed TTC, we decided last month to wait until the summer to try again. It all became too stressful. Too routine. Too discouraging every time Aunt Flo showed up. “Maybe this is not the right time.” I thought. So we decided to wait.
Monday came and went without my period. I didn’t think much of it since my cycle is not completely regulated. I blamed it on nursing. Wednesday came around, still no Flo. I took a test only for a stark white screen to come glaring back. On Friday, I was certain. I HAVE to be. I’ve never been THIS late before. Took the test. Negative. What the fuck.
This morning was different. This morning gave me the second line. Faint at first then darker as it sat. I watched the screen turn from white to pink while Mitz sat utterly clueless 20 feet away on the couch. “Do I tell him now? No, his birthday is in 10 days. Wait… it’ll be a nice surprise.”
My heart is beating a mile a minute as I type this. This is real. Are we ready for this? Two days ago, we toured a foster agency hoping to kick-start the foster parent process. What happens to that? I just put Apollo down for a nap. I couldn’t help but stare at his face while I held him in my arms. While caressing his sweet face, I couldn’t help but wonder what will become of our relationship. I love this little boy so much and all my time is devoted to him. With a second, our family dynamics will change for sure. How do I assure him that mama loves him more than ever while tending to a newborn? Thinking back to those early days after birth, can I really do it all over again?
At this moment I am frightened. I am uncertain. Yet strangely, I feel at peace.