Dear Baby Angel,
I’ve spent the last nine months all encompassed by thoughts of you. Even after that dark day in April when I was shattered, my love for you grew more exponentially. I’d spend days daydreaming of what your eyes might’ve looked like. And at night, when your father and brother were asleep, I’d talk to you as if you were still in my belly… imagining what it would feel like for you to kick in response to my stories.
This letter has been started over and over but I could never finish it. Discovering limitations to my vocabulary, I’m afraid I cannot adequately describe how I feel about you. Even though I haven’t met you yet, I want you to know that I love your endlessly.
I could only wish that you would’ve been able to join us earth-side. You would’ve loved getting to know your older brother Apollo. He just turned two and is becoming quite the character. I am certain he would’ve been the best big brother and the two of you the best of friends.
Your father has been amazing. He’s carried me through my grief and remained my rock, ever so steady, during my most tumultuous times. I know he gets sad, too, and I know how much he wishes there was a different outcome. But despite his pain, he is steadfast in his work and plans to ensure a bright future for our family. Though you won’t be a part of that immediate future, you are always a part of this family.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.
As for me, I’ve been shattered. Losing you catapulted me into the darkest days I never imagined I could feel. I’ve always considered myself a logical person, but all reason went out the window when I saw you still on that screen. I don’t know why any of this happened. I try to recall moments wondering if I could’ve done anything to help you stay. I wish so much for a do over… Maybe just maybe I could’ve done things differently.
But ultimately, I want you to know that I am OK… that we are OK. I will never stop wondering about you. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop loving you. You will always be my baby, even if I have to wait a little while to get to meet you. I am looking forward to that day but, until then, watch over us OK?
And please know that we love you and we will celebrate each day as if you were here with us.